The offices of most publicity agents never look as if they are waiting for the magazine photographer to arrive, and Patersons was no exception. Laura Finch an ex-journalist who managed the company had come up the hard way, from press agent to manager. She was merciless, demanding, and expected everyone to work as hard as she did.
Because of the fierce competition within the advertising world, she was forced to fight for every inch of coverage. She found all men uninteresting, and when she had to discuss business matters with them, kept the meetings as short as possible.
Women who walked around in shapeless, pastel print dresses, talked about the weather, children and their last pregnancies abhorred her. Her only friends in life were female executives or journalists and they were very few.
She was always too tired, or too busy to drive backwards and forwards to her apartment, or to special meetings and other functions. She had an arrangement with a car hire company, who picked her up every morning and drove her home every night. But she felt she needed not just a driver, she needed a companion.
Shaun Maclaren, who resigned from the taxi company because of Yvonne, applied for a position as chauffeur with the car hire company and was assigned to Laura Finch. It was obvious, from the outset that Shaun suited Laura. She was always on time, pleasant, and attentive to her every whim.
Laura decided to buy her own vehicle and offered Shaun the position of chauffeur/companion. It was an offer Shaun could not refuse. She gave up her flat and lived in separate quarters in Laura's apartment.
During the first months there was the coolness of employer, employee relationship. A year later they became firm friends.
Shaun happy in her position as chauffeur/companion, seeking nothing more. She knew Laura had a drink problem and did her best to ignore it, even when, on odd occasions she had to put her to bed.
One Sunday evening Shaun found her asleep on the lounge-room floor clutching an empty gin bottle.
"Laura! Laura, you can't lay on the floor all night, " she told her, "you know there is a meeting you have to attend in the morning."
She managed to get her to her feet. Sat her in a chair and poured black coffee down her throat. An hour later she helped her into the bathroom and ran a steaming hot bath. Laura beamed as Shaun washed her.
"Mind the soap doesn't get in my eyes," she stammered as she slipped under the water.
Laura Finch was a heavy friendly drunk, and by the time she had been dried and put to bed, Shaun was exhausted. She had her evening meal and took a cup of coffee upstairs to Laura.
"Why do you get drunk?" she asked her employer angrily, "you knew you had a meeting in the morning. I like being your companion, but if you're going to get drunk very night, you'll have to find someone else to look after you."
"When did it start?" Shaun asked.
Laura frowned. She had a headache, felt queasy, and had lost all interest in the coming meeting. But even in her befuddled mind, she knew she had to admit to Shaun and herself that she had a drink problem.
"It started when I joined Patersons. All the late night parties, worry over the new job. That was one of the reasons I needed someone to drive me around - a woman. I can't handle men. All they ever want is to touch you and try to take advantage."
She held Shaun's hand.
"Please don't leave me. Please help me. I never really intended to get drunk. I'd start with one to see me through the day, not that I ever needed it. Why not? I used to think. A drink would put me in a better mood to deal with clients and the staff. Eventually if I didn't start off the day with a gin and juice, I'd get real bitchy. Shaun please help me. I tried so hard to stop. Honestly I did. Then I lost a large account and one of the directors threatened to fire me. You know there's nothing like a gin and juice to start the day. Just a little one, then another, and another."
Laura began to cry. Shaun gripped her hand tighter, in sympathy. She dried her eyes, sat up straight in bed and smoothed the covers. Shaun suggested she should rest. That they could talk in the morning.
Laura ignored her, continued talking, as if to herself. "When I was little I used to hide, escape into a world of fantasy, a world of little people. They were my friends, my real friends. Reality was too formidable then so I blotted it out. Life is like that now. I suppose that's why I drink, to get over the problems of living."
"Perhaps you should find a partner," Shaun suggested, "Someone to really take care of you. Get married, to a good man, someone who understands."
Laura stared at her, horrified. "Married!" she screamed. "Me! To a man? I can't stand men. I can't bear to be touched by one."
"Don't you ever feel the need-of a man's warmth, love, security?"
"No!" she replied angrily, "sex has never been an important side of my life. I've never slept with a man, never wanted to. Besides there's always masturbation, now I don't even need that."
"Laura, you can't go on, not like this. Stay in bed for a few days. I'll look after you."
"What about the meeting in the morning?"
"I'll phone the office. Tell them you're sick, make up some excuse."
"You really would do that for me?"
"Of course I will, providing you try and stop drinking. I love working for you. I don't want to leave."
Laura was restless all night. She needed a drink, but was concerned about waking Shaun who slept in a chair by her bed, to make sure she didn't find another bottle. In the morning they went to the city. Shaun waited as usual while Laura had a massage, a facial and manicure.
"I feel great," Laura told Shaun as she got back into the car, "I think I'll go to the office."
"You can't," Shaun protested, "I told them you would be away for at least two weeks. You promised me you'd kick the habit."
"I'll do what I want Shaun Maclaren. I am your employer."
"You can't go back on your word. It wouldn't be fair."
Next door to the beauty salon was a Hotel.
"I need a drink," Laura said, taking hold of the door handle.
Shaun slammed her foot down on the throttle, throwing the startled Laura back into her seat. "Fire me if you dare, Laura Finch, and I'll tell everyone you're an Alch, a rotten bitchy drunk."
In the apartment Luara began to cry and Shaun allowed her one small gin and juice. She put her to bed, fed her beef soup and black coffee. During the evening Luara's hands began to shake, then she shivered making her teeth chatter.
"I need a drink," Laura cried, "please be a darling and get me one, only a little one. I promise I'll stop after that, please Shaun."
Shaun ignored her, slept by the side of her bed, determined that her employer was going to kick the habit.
Mrs Finch lived in the country. Shaun knowing she would be able to help her daughter decided to pay her a visit. She gave Laura a sleeping tablet. Left the city just as dawn was breaking, and by nine o'clock was outside the Finch country home.
Shaun came straight to the point. "Did you know your daughter is an alcoholic," she asked Mrs Finch.
"Of course. But I can't see that Laura's condition is any of your business. You are, after all just an employee. That's the trouble these days. People like you not knowing their place."
"Surely you can help her. Take her to a Doctor, a specialist," Shaun observed, ignoring the well-bred touch-me-if-you-dare voice of the tall gaunt Mrs Finch.
"Laura is a grown woman," she retorted, "for your information I did suggest some time ago that Laura should do something about it. There is nothing physically wrong with her. She needs a husband. He'd soon put a stop to her nonsense."
"Perhaps you could help her now?" Shaun asked again, "help her to see a doctor, a psychiatrist. I firmly believe it is only a mental problem that can be easily cured."
"How dare you!" Laura's mother screamed. "How dare you, a mere employee, suggest that there is mental illness within the Finch family."
"You mean you are refusing to face the possibility of it," Shaun retorted angrily.
"I have spoken to our doctor, on several occasions. He did suggest the A.A. organization. Laura must lead her own life. Now Miss Maclaren I suggest you leave my home immediately before the police are called, and I have you forcibly removed "
For three weeks Shaun nursed her employer. She fed her, bathed her, put her to bed. Laura shook and trembled most of the time, pleaded with Shaun not to call the doctor, knowing she would be sent to a hospital or nursing home to dry out.
One Sunday Laura fell into a deep sleep. Even in sleep she shook, trembled and cried out in agony. In the middle of the night she perspired profusely. Shaun, worried almost out of her mind sat on the bed and comforted her through her nightmares. When the fever passed Shaun bathed her put her back to bed and fed her strips of bread and butter dipped in a boiled egg.
"I'm proud of you Laura," Shaun told her, gently stroking her forehead, "soon you will be able to go back to work as a new woman."
With Shaun Laura Finch felt free from anxiety, finding a security she had never known. As a small child she was always alone. She remembered the rustle of the housemaid's skirts. Someone who brushed her hair, tidied her room and laid out her clothes. She remembered being sent to school. She seldom saw her mother, her father not at all. She hated the country. There was never anywhere to go, anything to do.
"Please stay with me Shaun," she pleaded, "here, tonight, always. You know how much I need you. I never dreamed stopping would be so hard, or that I was so dependent on gin. Promise me you'll stay with me, please," she whispered as her tears flowed down her cheeks. Shaun found it impossible to refuse and slipped into bed beside her.
"It's all right," she said softly, "don't cry. I promise I will look after you."
Laura Finch nestled in the safety of her companion's arms. "This is the first time I have ever wanted to stop," she told Shaun, "I just want to be held and loved. To wake up in the night and not be afraid, or alone. I do love you Shaun Maclaren."
Minutes later she was asleep.
Laura persuaded Shaun to move into her room, and as she put away her clothes, Laura suggested she should have a new wardrobe.
"But I only ever wear slacks and jumpers, and proper shirts. I love to wear proper men's shirts."
"What about skirts, dresses, blouses and frilly things like that?"
"Can't stand them," Shaun answered, "they make me feel uncomfortable and silly. That's one of the reasons I became a chauffeur."
Shaun quickly realised that all Laura Finch needed was a delicate, subtle, secure love. How different, she thought from the love she shared with Yvonne and her cousin Maureen.
On the enormous round bed in Laura's dimly lit room, Shaun murmured soft gentle words that soothed her employer. Then sliding her hands under Luara's powder-blue nightdress she fondled her firm, yet soft cream breasts. The rose tips quivered erect as she ran her tongue slowly over each peak, stopping and starting as Laura, gasped, sighed and gasped again in pure delight, pleading with her to never to stop.
Shaun ran her hands down Laura's thighs and caressed the enfolding flesh, holding her close wanting to make her feel secure. Laura writhed in ecstasy beneath her, oblivious to all but Shaun's gentle hands stroking her moist silken hair. She stood in a warm scented bath. Shaun soaped her all over, then followed the path of the bubbles, exploring every part. She sprayed her, and as the sting of the water brought her back to life Laura felt whole again, promising Shaun she would never get drunk.
The weeks quickly turned into a year and most times Shaun could climax without too much trouble, providing she lay on top and wriggle into her favourite position.
When it didn't happen Shaun found it impossible to find sleep.
At first she ignored it, taking her pleasure and satisfaction in the happiness and contentment of Laura. But there were times when her needs became overpowering and Shaun would go into the bathroom and find her own satisfaction.
In the pale moonlight that shone through the partially drawn curtains Laura awoke one night with a start and found the bed empty. She sat up, pulled the covers around her and watched Shaun satisfy herself through the half open bathroom door. Laura felt a sense of inadequacy. Realising how unhappy her lover must be she laid down and cried herself to sleep.
For days Laura worried over the problem. There was no one she could confide in. She knew that not one of her friends would help, or try to understand. It was Shaun who had given her back her life, the will to live and another chance. One morning she went alone to the office made an appointment to see a psychiatrist and took the remainder of the day off.
Dr John Farrell sat at his desk, his chin resting on steepled hands, he listened to Laura Finch. "And you Laura? Do you know who you really are?"
"I don't like men. I love my own gender. I suppose that makes me a Lesbian. A female homosexual."
"Tell me more about Shaun Maclaren."
"I suppose I don't really know a lot about her," Laura said thoughtfully, "She stopped me from becoming an alcoholic. She gives me a feeling of security, something I have never known before. I know that I love her, that I have to help her."
"What if she were to change her gender?" the doctor asked, "would you still love her, as you say you do now? Are you prepared to tell her she is a transexual?"
"Yes! Yes I am," Laura said tearfully, "It's not just gratitude. I do love her. All I want is for her to be happy."
"If you believe that all you want is her happiness then you must help her. Perhaps it would help if in the beginning you understood the condition referred to as transexualism. There are many thoughts on the subject".
"Some researchers believe they have identified the factor that separates transexuals from so called normal people. They have discovered something called H-Y antigen. It is present in normal male skin and serum tissue, but significantly absent in males who wish to change their sex. Transexual women have a similar H-Y antigen, in people like Shaun it can be quite prominent. The implication is, that the H-Y antigen is the component that determines to which sex future the embryo belongs. That an H-Y malfunction decides whether some people become discontented with their so-called biological sex. Some people believe that transexuals are individuals with psychological problems."
"And you Dr Farrell," Laura interrupted, "what do you really feel?"
He looked at her deeply, with a kindly understanding, as he pondered her all important question.
"There are," he began, finally breaking the long silence, "thousands of closet transexuals. Many of whom have become misfits through gender disorientation. Neither, society, the law, medical profession or the established church, understand, or acknowledge that transexualism is an undeserved misfortune. Today society is thinking slowly about it, but it needs to accept transexuals and transvestites as individuals not freaks. Please Laura, if you really love Shaun, do not allow her to become a closet transexual. We have many terms for people with sexual identities other than those of the hetrosexual person. Transvestites, they have a social problem. Transexuals, a gender problem. Lesbians, like yourself, a sex problem, if indeed the word problem is appropriate. In my opinion transexuals are aware from an early age that they are different. At sexual maturity an automatic mechanism gives them a desperate desire for change. Because they are different, they are often ridiculed, become loners, living miserable, sometimes unbearable lives. They can't control the way they feel, because really it is a mistake of birth. I believe all of us should think twice before we do them harm. In fact I would say Laura that our love should be as God's inclusive reaching out to all."
"How can I tell her?"
"Are you asking how you can appease Shaun Maclaren's unhappiness?"
"I suppose I am really."
"You have told me you employ her as a companion/chauffeur. Buy her a new uniform. A suit, shirts, tie, peaked cap. You know the sort of thing. People similar to Shaun can sometimes be happy in clothes of the opposite sex. That is to say cross-dressing, and they are of course transvestites too. Remember Laura, that cross-dressing in itself would satisfy the transvestite who is content with their anatomical self, it is no more than a partial, or temporary help to the transexual."
"Do you think it would be an advantage to make sure Shaun really is a transexual, and not a transvestite?"
"It certainly would," Dr Farrell agreed, "perhaps you could arrange a consultation. I know I can help."
"If I were to suggest that she talk to you at this stage in our relationship I know it would be ruined. I am a selfish person I know. But I need her love, her support, the feeling of security which only Shaun has been able to give me. I want to be able to help her to be her true self. To be happy with me as I am with her. Please Dr Farrell, there has to be a way."
With patience and sympathy the doctor listened to Laura. He suggested she should talk to Shaun about her childhood.
"There are many psychiatrists, and psycho-analysts who believe that early childhood conditioning is the principle factor in the plight of such patients," he told her, "especially those patients who feel that their minds and souls are trapped in the wrong bodies, and it is here that the psychiatrist can help. There are many arguments Laura. Equally unfavourable childhood influences can be traced back in persons who have grown into normal, happy adulthood, with no discernible split between the psychological, and the physical sex. However there is ample proof that a constitutional factor other than the events of childhood are at work. Talk to Shaun about her early days Laura. Try to persuade her to consult a doctor. Remember if your companion is truly a transexual, then she will only be happy when she is completely, totally accepted as a man."
The tension was like an immense knot in the pit of Laura's stomach as she left the consulting rooms of Dr Farrell. She knew she had to find out Shaun Maclaren's true feelings.
To try and persuade her to see a psychiatrist, even if it meant loosing her, which she knew would shatter her life. For relief she bought herself a new outfit and Shaun a complete new wardrobe.
Shaun was delighted with her new clothes. The exquisitely cut pants suit in dove gray. The chauffeur's uniform with the touch of femininity about it, the long-sleeved shirts which pleased Shaun most of all.
In the early hours, after their lovemaking, Laura pretended to be asleep. Shaun unaware she was watching slipped into the bathroom as usual to seek her fulfilment. Laura, cried as a sadness came over her, it was more than a sadness a despair. She knew now, more than ever before something had to be done.
"Darling Shaun, will you marry me?" Laura asked a week after her visit to the psychiatrist. Shaun was silent and gazed at her with a wide, startled look. Fascinated by her words, she climbed into the big round bed.
"Marry!" she gasped.
"Why not? Unless you feel that our love is not strong enough to pass the test of marriage?"
"Of course it is. You know I love you, ever since the first time we met. You remember. But we are two-two females,if, if only I were a–"
"There is a way," Laura told her, holding her close as she kissed away the tears. "It can be arranged in a Community Church. It is almost, it's similar. In fact one could say it is the same as the established church. They call it a Holy Union. I think it sounds so much better-it really will make us complete."
The Community Church was not a large place of worship, and as they walked hand-in-hand to give notice. Shaun knew in her heart that this was the union for which she had been searching most of her life.
The caretaker was closing the church and looked at them suspiciously. When they explained that they were to be married, the old lady became amicable allowing them to go inside. The single light from the foyer cast enormous shadows as they walked down the aisle. It swallowed up the altar, the reading desk, the pulpit the Ten Commandments, and the Lord's Prayer on either side. Laura and Shaun knelt in front of the altar, each deep in thought. Laura's hand crept into Shaun's as together they whispered.
"For better for worse. For richer for poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish. Till death us do part."
There was a lingering look of awe on their faces. A remnant of brightness, borne only by those on the Holy Mount. They knew in their hearts they were taking the right step.
The ceremony was held three Saturdays later. A friend of Laura's was Matron-of-honour. There were no bridesmaids. In their bedroom they helped each other dress. Shaun laughed as she looked at Luara wearing only a veil, a skimpy lace bra and pink panties. Her clothes were laid out on the bed, which Shaun thought were all very practical. She held up the calf-length silk coat that could be worn as a coat or a dress. For the wedding Laura wore it over a strapless blue ballgown. Shaun wore her pants suit in dove gray.
It was a perfect spring day. The fields were turning green with the fresh new shoots of cane. The September sky cloudless, but again there were clouds to mar Shaun's day.
Concerned about the behaviour of her sisters, Pauline and Jillian when she married Robert Cockran, Shaun decided not to invite anyone in her family. Wanting to forget the past, to live only for the future she didn't even invite her cousin Maureen.
A girl at the office wanting to surprise Laura, telephoned Mrs Finch inviting her to the wedding.
"Did you know Luara's getting married on Saturday?" she asked.
The silence was long and uncanny. The girl thought the line had gone dead.
"To whom?" Mrs Finch asked, breaking the silence.
"Shaun Maclaren. At the Community Church. Please come. I know Laura will be delighted."
"Is that the person who came down to see me?"
"Yes Mrs Finch. I believe she did, when Laura was having a problem. She asked you to help. But that's all in the past, " the girl added quickly. "Laura and Shaun don't know I've invited you. I wanted it to be a lovely surprise. We all know how much Laura loves you. It really would make their day."
Another long silence. "Will you come?" she asked unable to bear the suspense any longer.
"Thank you for telling me," Mrs Finch said softly. Seconds later the line went dead.
"Why would anyone tell my mother?" Laura asked, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Why not?" Shaun argued, "it would have been wonderful to have your mother's blessing".
"Read this then," Laura said angrily, "If I marry you she never wants to see me again." Shaun read the telegram and threw it away in disgust.
A crowning joy offset the bitter message.
The Verger told Laura that her uncle John was the officiating Minister.
The service charged with life though simple, was very solemn. The word her uncle gave them as Laura and Shaun knelt holding hands made them put their love for each other afresh into the background of their love for the Lord. There was no denying that their love for one another had been characterising and colouring their lives for a very long time.
"But what of your love for him?" the Minister asked, "is your thinking, your planning, your behaviour, your own living coloured with love for him? Was Laura and Shaun making themselves ready?" he asked, " as far as they were concerned."
A comforting stillness possessed Laura and Shaun as they entered with a deep sincerity into the requirements of the Holy Union.
Their two weeks holiday on the coast calmed them. They came back to the apartment ready for anything. As they lay on the bed reminiscing Luara decided it was time to tell Shaun her thoughts.
"Darling Shaun," she began, "you must know how much I love you. But this problem I have thrashed out in every way. I've reasoned it out, prayed over it. Funked it, then longed for it to be right. It's going to be rough I know. But we will get nowhere. You and I will never be really, truly happy until we both take the plunge."
"The Plunge!" Shaun screamed in bewilderment, "what the hell are you talking about?"
"The fact that you are a Transexual."
"Transexual! How? How do you know? How can you tell. I've never said anything to anyone. Not even to you. I love you, and you love me the way we are. I'm happy for you. That's all I need. That's all that matters. But how do you know?"
"I know Shaun, believe me. It's in your eyes. In the way you make love. The way you are forced to satisfy yourself. In God's eyes we are married. You and I are as one. Please Shaun, help me to help you."
"But you've always told me how much you hate, detest men. You know you can't bear the thought of them touching you. How can I change? If I do, I would lose your love forever. I couldn't bear that. Ours is the only real love I've ever had."
"Please Shaun trust me," Laura begged, "I fell in love with you. Not who you were, who you might become. Male-Female. I love you for yourself. I want you. I need you to be as happy as I am. I can't bear to watch you go into the bathroom the moment after we make love."
Shaun dried her eyes and sat on the bed deep in thought.
"How?" she said suddenly, "what can I do apart from wearing men's clothing?"
"You could start by telling me about your early days. At the beginning, when you were at the Convent."
"The Convent? I don't know really, except that I preferred playing with boys. Playing their games. I never did like dolls, or dressing up. Girls that giggle always annoyed me. I suppose my attitude must have upset the Nuns. They were forever beating me with their punishment sticks. I've still got the scars."
"Where?"
"On my back."
"That's what those marks are. I often wondered."
"Being around girls, and older women always frightened me," Shaun continued. "I tried hard at being a girl. When I grew older I hated the changes in my body. Especially my breasts when they began to develop. Even now they still get in the way. A boy grabbed them once, it hurt like hell. When I got my first period it was a terrible, frightening experience, all that mess. I hated it then. You know how much I detest them now. You can see my dilemma. While I could make a show of being female I could still cherish the thought of being male. In the beginning I had control of both instances, but I could not control my body turning into the shape of a female. I thought that if I were to bind my breasts up tight it might stop them getting big, look at them now they're bigger than ever."
Shaun told her how she had wanted to become a priest. When she was in the Army, the inquiries she made about getting into the Ministry. Of her love for Maureen. The husband of a few hours that caused her so much pain. Of Yvonne's letter that caused her mother's heart attack.
"I've always wanted to be a male," Shaun whispered. "All my life, I lived incomplete. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a prison, the prison of my body. The prison of a society that does not understand. Until I can become as other men, if ever I can, I'm forced to live a lie. Only with you I can be my true self. Physically I am a woman: mentally, emotionally I am a man."
"In the Army I almost gave up. I was desperately unhappy while waiting for my discharge. I was convinced that I had no future. I took an overdose. I existed, waiting in misery for the moment to take leave of this earth. Maureen helped me get over it. I will always be grateful." Laura held her close as the tears rolled down her cheeks.
"You won't ever have to worry like that again," she told her, "we can fight this problem together. I'll help you to become my one and only man."
Laura explained that she had been to see Dr Farrell and suggested she should talk to him.
"He is an understanding caring doctor. There are thousands like us. We're lucky, we're married, we have each other. There are so many who have no one."
Shaun thought she would like to see her own doctor first. She hadn't seen him in years, but remembered him as a kind, understanding man, a feeling of being comfortable with him whenever she needed to discuss a problem.
This time it was different. His attitude, Shaun thought was sullen. It made her feel that she were some kind of horrible creature a being he did not care to be in the same room with. Shaun cried when Laura asked about the consultation.
"I've known him for years. He always understood. He was there for me when I had my vagina operation. When I told him what I really wanted to do, there was no loving gentle hand to guide me as there had been in the past. It was more like a doubled-up fist. Please Laura I need your help. Now that I have begun, I really want to become a man. Not a woman who wears men's clothes. I don't want to be a closet transexual for the rest of my life." Laura telephoned Uncle John asking for his help, and if he would dine with them the following evening.
"Help! with your marriage?"
"No!" Laura replied quickly, "it's Shaun, she needs our, your help."
The slim dark suited figure of Uncle John sat opposite them at the dinner table. It was obvious to him that they were happy, and he wondered what could be causing the problem. During the meal Laura explained about their life, and slowly Shaun opened her heart to him, hoping he would understand.
"I only ever remember seeing you once when I was very young," Laura told him when Shaun had finished, "I remember mother crying and you with your arms around her trying to comfort her."
"That was a long time ago. I came home on leave to help my sister -your mother. It was after your father walked out on her."
"You were in the Army," Shaun observed.
"Yes! Is it that obvious?"
"It's that gentle, firm command in your voice."
"When I was young," Uncle John continued, "I was keen only on one thing the Army. After fourteen years of service I took my discharge. I came home and married. As I believed, happily, wisely, but I left out God. That side, I thought would grow on us, as we matured, settled down. I attended church regularly, hoping God would forgive me."
"My wife Joan misunderstood. Eventually we divorced. It was then that I took up studies at the Theological college. Years later I was ordained. I joined the Community Church, feeling the need to serve God and those people within the Gay community."
"Are you transexual?" Laura asked.
"Yes! " John answered unashamedly."I didn't realize I was until years later. Although looking back there was always that certain feeling, that special something. I, as obviously you do Shaun suffer a physical handicap, not a psychological one. I too have special needs. Needs that are not met because of sexual orientation within the social structure. The Community Church has been continuous in it's support. I used to be a closet transexual. With the help of the church all that has changed. I have found love, acceptance, and I know God has called me into the Fellowship for a definite purpose. I dare not look back. With God's love in my heart I have been able to forgive those who made cruel remarks. Remarks made out of ignorance rather than the desire to be hurtful. Nevertheless, the remarks always hurt."
"In the Community Church no one is excluded from our love and understanding and just as God loves and understands all, so must we. I know the doctor who you thought would help and guide you, drove you away, and that is very difficult for you to accept. Remember Shaun, many of us have been called upon to make sacrifices. Many more within the Community Church Fellowship will be persecuted, because God loves all, and that revelation from God sounds too radical for many. We have to end oppression by exposing ignorance for what it is. Of course there will be times when you will be tempted, as I have been to retreat back, into the proverbial closet. Resist the temptation Shaun. Be who you want to be. With Laura's help I know you will find your true self. Remember Shaun, for the uneducated there are only two sexes. A person is either male or female-Adam - -or Eve. The educated and the enlightened realise that every Eve contains elements of Adam, and in every Adam there are traces of Eve. We all have a freedom, the right to love and make love."
"Are you having sex-reassignment surgery?" Laura asked.
"In a few months time in Cairo."
"Your name? You'll have to change it."
"I've already made arrangements by deed poll. You Shaun could keep yours. I had to change mine, to Nicole, some will call me Nicky. I like Nicole."
Shaun stared at him for a moment, wondering why he was wearing a suit.
"If you are so assured of your acceptance as a member of the opposite sex, why are you dressed in men's clothing?"
"For me this is the very last time I will ever dress this way."
"Is it your way of telling us you are still not quite sure?" Laura looked at Shaun, aghast.
"Not at all Shaun. I simply felt that if wore the clothes I love to wear it might cause you and Laura some embarrassment."
"Does cross-dressing help?"
"In the beginning Shaun, yes. But when the conversion operation became an all-consuming urge, cross-dressing was as much help as an asprin is for a brain tumour headache. As I told you this is the last time I will ever wear these clothes. It is only a shirt, trousers and a jacket. The rest is clothing I want to wear. As a pre-operative patient I am going through some physical changes, especially breast development, and I do find great emotional relief by living completely as a woman."
"Do you think cross-dressing will help me?" Shaun asked.
"I think it could, providing you do not loose sight of your main objective. Don't ever become as I did a closet transexual. And here Shaun I cannot emphasize strongly enough, that you should never be pushed into having surgery before you are ready, and are assured of some degree of acceptance as a member of the opposite sex."
"Are you accepted as a woman within the church?" Shaun asked.
"Yes, and I might add the atmosphere is one of approval, understanding, encouragement. Outside the church it is different. There is no precedented way to treat a transexual. It becomes a sort of fear of the unknown. But where my back ground is unknown everyone knows how to treat me."
"Can you help us Shaun with a doctor who will understand?"
"Of course Laura. That is what the Community Church Fellowship is all about, helping, counselling. We have a Dr Kerry Mitchell. She will help. Start Shaun off-as it were. Going from male to female is, by comparison reasonably easy. Going from female to male, I imagine would be much more difficult. It is going to be hard for you Shaun, emotionally and physically. With Laura's help I know you will succeed. I know you will find the happiness you are looking for. Remember The Community Church and Fellowship is there to help."