YOU PROB'LY SEEN de well-known David Frost on De Amin Programme de other nightie just show you de strides Uganda makin' under de new management, never got no David Frost comin' out here for De Milton Obote Show.
Pussonally, I got a lot of time for D. Frost, also for anybody what gittin' to de top, irrespectable of de talent an' de qualifications, no use havin' de four O-levels includin' Eng. Lit. if you ain't got de drive to go wid it, all very well bein' able to explain in your own words wot Macduff sayin' to Banquo in Act V, also how many times anyone usin' a oxymoron, but it ain't much help when de Opposition want to know wot you bin doin' wid de Oxfam money. Only thing you need then is a big stick wid a nail in de end, an' bugger de plot of de well-known Sense an' Prejudice, dat James Austin spendin' too much time hangin' about wid ole women to know wot life all about.
Anyhow, after de consid'able success of my tee vee show, I bin plannin' de summer schedules, an' I reckon we got a pretty good season lined up. Kickin' off mose evenin's wid It A Knockout, where we got two teams of Asians competing for de famous one-way economy ticket, got to shin up a greasy pole wid their families, winner gittin' de ticket an' a chance to go on de Treasure Trail for de val'able bus-ride to Kampala Airport. Dat shapin' up as a chart-topper, look like beatin' public executionin' in de ratings. Close second we got Dis Your Life, where people comin' on an' sayin' how they bin at school wid me and I a fust-rate board monitor and a natural leader, also all my own teef, and then we got de News wot gonna be all about de boomin' economy and de footer results and how Nyerere keepin' pigs in de bath. Also runnin' Git Out, dat de programme for de foreign residents, explainin' in their own language about where to leave de stamp colleckertions an' de gole fillins etcetera and where to stand for de next bus. Big one for Sat'day nights is Sale Of De Century, got to shift these damn cars somehow, got de rust showin' now, an' de upperholstery full o' rats, followe'd by De Source Of De Nile where you get me tracin' de history of Africa in song, doin' such famous nummers as Swanee, Sonny Boy, an' de ever-pop'lar Shine On Harvest Moon immortalised by T.S. Elliot and his Quartet.
Also got an entire new line in de Late Night chat show. Amazin' how people in England an' America bin puttin' up wid de crap all these years, nothin' goin' on but three people ' gettin' asked questions under de spotlight, an' if they don't feel like answerin' they goin' "Har, har, har!" or similar an' Morris Parkinson sayin' "Okay, now we gittin' a song from Lord Wigg's latest LP", an' that way people slidin' out from de awkward questions all de time. Ain't gonna be dat way in Uganda. People comin' on my Late Night show, I gonna say "Right, Mbibi, what happenin' to de Annual Outin' Fund?" and if Mbibi start goin' "Har, har, har!" he gonna git a kick in de mouf, jus' for openers. If dat ain't workin', he gonna be hangin' by his thumbs for de rest of de programme, an' if dat ain't de best way to git de rest of de guests shapin' up, I don't know what is.